Starting over....again

*WARNING: This post may seem as though I am whining or throwing a pity party. I am not...I am just posting my feelings & thoughts. You are free to stop reading at any point & encouraged to do so especially if you start to feel as though you want to reach through the computer & strangle me.*

The title of my blog hit me today. Kinda funny how that happens. It's been the title for a while & as I was wondering about what I could possibly write, it hit me. I was reading a wonderfully elegant post by a friend, thinking I wish I could write like that. I mean, to be able to put your struggles in such a positive light...I would love that. I figure most people don't want to hear the thoughts on my life as they have mostly been negative. I try to put the positive spin on it...adding the things I have learned (or think I have). Sometimes I wonder if I really have learned anything as I keep circling back around (or so it seems).

I was starting my new year off in a very positive light. I had a few goals in mind, felt good that this year was going to be a great one and was actually feeling pretty good about my life. I was okay with being alone (something I have been struggling with for several months), excited about what this new year had to offer, wanting to get back into things I have done for years and enjoying the nice cool of winter (love winter!). What happened? I feel like I have been sent back in time and feeling everything I thought I was over. Back to the being at the edge of tears all the time. I found myself allowing others to help me feel like I just wasn't worth their time. THIS was a turning point, or so I thought. I have found that I do not handle feeling sad and insignificant well. I feel like I have no control as I burst into tears because of a dumb commercial or part of a tv show. It was enough to piss me off. Now this is an emotion I can handle, feel like I can control. Unfortunately, I rarely stay this way for long. I was hoping to hang on to it for a while, but NO. I find myself back at the edge of insanity (tears). I HATE CRYING!!!! I feel so dang weak and find that I feel stupid for crying over nothing....really? haven't I shed enough tears over this? I want to be done!

I feel like I am starting over again. I know I have a good life and so I feel like I must be a spoiled brat. I want what I want and because I can't have what I want I'm going to throw a royal fit by kicking, screaming & crying until I get what I want. Of course by saying this I know that when I get what I want I may not want it anymore...lol. I have a great job & work with amazing people, have a wonderful family who love & support me through any & everything, have the best of friends who are willing to listen to my tearful & retarded rants (& I certainly appreciate you not slapping me upside the head because I'm just not getting it) and above all I know that I have a Father in Heaven who does truly love me (I am sure He is past tired of watching me act as if I am not grateful for all the blessings I am constantly given). I guess I am ungrateful as the blessings I want most of all are not the ones I am receiving and thus the tantrums. Does anyone know how to stop wanting something you've wanted for most of your life? If you do I would like to know the secret.

Okay, so now I would like to go back to the beginning of this year when I wasn't bursting into tears at least once a day, when I was happier and my future looked hopeful. I am working on that. Until then I will make it through and hope that everyone will have a lot of patience with me. I know I am truly blessed and that my life could actually be hard. I could actually have something to cry or be sad about. I know I will make it through and be a better & stronger person because or inspite of it all. I have definitely learned more about me, not all of it good, but learning is the key, right?

Many thanks to all you wonderful people in my life! I love you all!!

Thanksgiving to Christmas

Well I have to say that I am glad to see that I am among a group of friends who are also a little behind on their blogs. I figured I could catch up with one covering Thanksgiving & Christmas as not much else has been happening.

Thanksgiving was spent in the lovely Antelope Valley. Okay, so I admit that I don't find much lovely about it, BUT I do have some lovely family there. We had a Bird family reunion during the holiday weekend as the greatest number of family members could attend. We certainly missed the Kenna & Tony Miani family, Carrie & Andy Borman family and Craig & Keri family. It seems as we all get older & the family expands, it's harder to get everyone together. It was great fun to spend time getting reaquainted with cousins I haven't seen in 2 years. The young ones grow up so fast! Here are a few pictures from our good times. I really appreciate all those who put in so much work to prepare the food & games.

For Christmas I was so happy to be in Grand Junction, CO with the snow! While it didn't snow while I was there, I was perfectly happy to enjoy the snow already on the ground. I was able to spend some time with Craig, Keri, Ryan, Ruby, Mom & Dad. It was a nice & relaxing time. I can't believe how big the girls are getting. Ryan is so full of energy, she makes me tired just watching her. Ruby is army crawling & is not fond of smiling for the camera. Luckily we were able to get some cute pictures of her anyway. I also was able to go to lunch with my friend, Monica, before I left to go home. I always love visiting with my friends. Unfortunately I don't always have time to visit with everyone I want to. Even though I get 7 days off, it speeds by & before I know it, I have to come back home to get ready for a week of work. Here are some pictures from Christmas.

I have certainly been blessed to be able to spend time with so much family this holiday season. I also got a new bike for Christmas & am excited to ride on some of the trails here in town. I'm hoping this will be a fun new way for me to get some exercise.

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving & Christmas!

Mexico

Okay, so the cruise was a ton of fun! Yes, I did get some motion sickness, but nothing too bad. I was still able to eat plenty & enjoy my time aboard ship. Mom & I went on the Mexican Riviera cruise on the Royal Carribean Radiance of the Seas. We boarded ship Wednesday (14th) in the afternoon. I was amazed at how quickly people started drinking...we hadn't even left the dock! We headed to the buffet to eat lunch...I was starving! The food was good overall. It was nice to have a variety. I think I did pretty good considering the amount of food available (I still fit into all my clothes).

Our first stop was Ensenada, Mexico. My first thought as we were riding through town was, "this looks just like Palmdale!" I guess since the city is only about 2 hours from San Diego, I shouldn't have been too surprised that it looked a lot like places I've been in California. There was a Costco, Home Depot & a few dollar stores. Our tour guide was sure to point out all the gas stations....only 1 brand, Pemex, which is owned by the government. Apparently the government buys up any land that produces oil. We rode on a bus for about an hour to "La Bufadora" which is a blow hole. Yes, very exciting, but it was a pretty area there on the coast. We had to walk through the gauntlet of shops before seeing this natural phenomenom (which I love....ok not really). Mom had more fun shopping, I think. I'm just not a fan of the pressure type selling they do. I like to browse without someone constantly trying to sell me something. I loved how they would say to come buy something I don't need...hahaha.

Our second day was at sea. It was nice to be able to sleep in which was not difficult since our stateroom did not have a window. We had to use Mom's cell phone as an alarm clock because we might have slept all day otherwise. We spent some time at the gym, outside enjoying the sun and of course eating! It was a nice relaxing day. We also went to the after dinner show which was great. We missed the first night's show which we were told was horrible, so we didn't mind.

The next day we were in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. I had the tendering experience since we couldn't pull right up to the dock. We picked sea kayaking which was fun. Mom & I were in the same kayak. We paddled pretty far in some pretty choppy water. It was interesting being so close to the water in what seemed like the boat route. We had water taxis & other tourist boats driving past us & they seemed pretty close to me. Apparently there was an unusually large number of jellyfish in the water. I hadn't noticed any, but felt some stinging on my leg for a short time....not sure what it was though. Mom had one splash up on her leg leaving a nice red welt on her thigh. We got to rest on the beach for a little bit while some crazy people went snorkling. I would have been happy to go if there weren't jellyfish everywhere & a lot of boat traffic. When we were done, we decided to walk through town (sorry Mom...it was my idea). We were surprised at the upscale stores & restaurants. It was SO hot as we were walking around. I was sweating like crazy & poor Mom looked so red & tired. There were a few street vendors I would have liked to stop for, but I was so dang hot, hungry & thirsty, I just wanted to get back to the ship. Several times I was asked if I wanted a Mexican boyfriend after saying no thank you to offers of cheap silver jewelry. I had to laugh as I said to Mom..."I can get one of those where I live". I mean HELLO...there is definitely not a shortage in the USA! We were thrilled to get back to where the tender was & found some ice water waiting for us.....AHHHH refreshing! We got back to the ship & ate & I was back out in the sun for a little bit. I ended up getting my shoulders nice & toasty even with 2 coats of 30 sunblock. I am still peeling!

(the blue line on the sand are jellyfish)

The next day we were at sea again. We had a personal training session and enjoyed some reading time. The day had quickly turned overcast & cool, especially with the wind from the speed of the ship. We watched a towel folding demonstration. It is so fun to see what the stateroom attendants can do with some towels. Later we watched some of the bartenders doing some juggling & mixing of drinks...pretty cool. Later that evening we watched the finals of the karaoke competition. There were some great singers. It was a lot of fun. Our dinner table group was pretty interesting. There was a mother with her 2 daughters & a dad with his 14 year old son. The 2 guys were only there 2 of the nights. The mother & her daughters were LDS! What are the odds?

We needed to be up fairly early to get off the ship the next morning. I was ready to be back, but will definitely be ready for my next cruise! The plan had been to spend a little time in San Diego then for me to drop Mom off in Palmdale (I would stay the night) so she could spend a few days with the CA Bird flock & then fly back to CO. Unfortunately, my cousin's husband had passed away the Wednesday we left and the funeral was Tuesday. So, we got in the car & headed back to St. George.

It was a great vacation & I am so lucky that I have such wonderful parents! This was my birthday present & Dad was wonderful enough to let Mom & I go off on our own. Thank you SO MUCH!!! Love you!!!!