*WARNING: This post may seem as though I am whining or throwing a pity party. I am not...I am just posting my feelings & thoughts. You are free to stop reading at any point & encouraged to do so especially if you start to feel as though you want to reach through the computer & strangle me.*
The title of my blog hit me today. Kinda funny how that happens. It's been the title for a while & as I was wondering about what I could possibly write, it hit me. I was reading a wonderfully elegant post by a friend, thinking I wish I could write like that. I mean, to be able to put your struggles in such a positive light...I would love that. I figure most people don't want to hear the thoughts on my life as they have mostly been negative. I try to put the positive spin on it...adding the things I have learned (or think I have). Sometimes I wonder if I really have learned anything as I keep circling back around (or so it seems).
I was starting my new year off in a very positive light. I had a few goals in mind, felt good that this year was going to be a great one and was actually feeling pretty good about my life. I was okay with being alone (something I have been struggling with for several months), excited about what this new year had to offer, wanting to get back into things I have done for years and enjoying the nice cool of winter (love winter!). What happened? I feel like I have been sent back in time and feeling everything I thought I was over. Back to the being at the edge of tears all the time. I found myself allowing others to help me feel like I just wasn't worth their time. THIS was a turning point, or so I thought. I have found that I do not handle feeling sad and insignificant well. I feel like I have no control as I burst into tears because of a dumb commercial or part of a tv show. It was enough to piss me off. Now this is an emotion I can handle, feel like I can control. Unfortunately, I rarely stay this way for long. I was hoping to hang on to it for a while, but NO. I find myself back at the edge of insanity (tears). I HATE CRYING!!!! I feel so dang weak and find that I feel stupid for crying over nothing....really? haven't I shed enough tears over this? I want to be done!
I feel like I am starting over again. I know I have a good life and so I feel like I must be a spoiled brat. I want what I want and because I can't have what I want I'm going to throw a royal fit by kicking, screaming & crying until I get what I want. Of course by saying this I know that when I get what I want I may not want it anymore...lol. I have a great job & work with amazing people, have a wonderful family who love & support me through any & everything, have the best of friends who are willing to listen to my tearful & retarded rants (& I certainly appreciate you not slapping me upside the head because I'm just not getting it) and above all I know that I have a Father in Heaven who does truly love me (I am sure He is past tired of watching me act as if I am not grateful for all the blessings I am constantly given). I guess I am ungrateful as the blessings I want most of all are not the ones I am receiving and thus the tantrums. Does anyone know how to stop wanting something you've wanted for most of your life? If you do I would like to know the secret.
Okay, so now I would like to go back to the beginning of this year when I wasn't bursting into tears at least once a day, when I was happier and my future looked hopeful. I am working on that. Until then I will make it through and hope that everyone will have a lot of patience with me. I know I am truly blessed and that my life could actually be hard. I could actually have something to cry or be sad about. I know I will make it through and be a better & stronger person because or inspite of it all. I have definitely learned more about me, not all of it good, but learning is the key, right?
Many thanks to all you wonderful people in my life! I love you all!!
